Vice Vixen


Epic blogging fail, I TOTALLY MOVED

So as your humble narrator is now blogging-as-work, I went to renew my custom domain name. And lo, some dumbass domain-name clearinghouse has registered my site.

WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!?!

Fear not, oh my five readers. Vice Vixen has gotten a makeover. And now, please find me at :

FEMMEDANGEREUSE.COM




I love this commercial

It makes me really happy and jealous. And driving drunk is dumb, but so is getting in strangers’ cars, chicas.

And sometimes cab drivers let you smoke.



Matthew’s Party
June 3, 2009, 4:10 am
Filed under: funny ha ha, funny strange, ha, schadenfreude, the good fight

douche2Too long to explain, but effing hilarious.

Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn’t invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn’t come.

Read on.



Thank God there’s finally a word for this!
The female equivalent of a cock block.
I was hitting on that guy, but my girlfriend stepped in and totally box locked me.


Jay-Z fucking represents!
November 4, 2007, 3:35 am
Filed under: brooklyn, death by cute, entertainment, geek love, ha, haute, love, nyc, pillaging, pride, the good fight

Jay-Z shows love to Dublin.



Harry Potter Slashers vindicated, Dumbledore’s OMG teh gay!

Slashers in the HP fandom, I’ve heard, have always vocally hoped someone, anyone in the HP books would be confirmed as gay.  We they got their wish this week when JKR confirmed what no one seemed to suspect.  Dumbledore was totally gay for Grindelwald!  Ha, ha.  So cool.  And fandom imploded.  And imploded again.  It even made Wikipedia.

I think now it’s safe for JKR to tell us what we already know- Harry and Draco were secretly in love with each other all those years and it’s bittersweet when they see each other with their kids and beards wives.  Harry/Draco OTP!



Threadless Does Derby
October 8, 2007, 7:41 pm
Filed under: accessories, cheap, death by cute, geek love, ha, pin-ups, pride, rage, skate, the good fight, wear

Threadless just dropped this funky, girly derby-themed shirt for Halloween.  As always with Threadless, it’s get it while you can.  Really digging the fake movie/comic book vibe.  Too cool!



Does this count as stalking?
October 7, 2007, 5:37 am
Filed under: accessories, brooklyn, death by cute, geek love, ha, indolence, lust, retro, sassy, the good fight, wear

A few months ago I was stuck in a cab on Smith Street for what seemed like hours. Finally when the cab sped up I caught a glimpse of this adorable, unique tee-shirt but why wasn’t I paying more attention?!? it’s not like I can screech at the cab driver to stop so I can go peer in the window and maybe go in and buy one. That would be crazy. Steve’s always on Smith Street so I asked him to look. Every day. For all eternity. He finally remembered but got the name wrong so he had to go back. That actually happened. But now I know and it was totally worth waiting for. I really, really love popsicles but I’ve always had a weakness for distlefinks. I think I talk about distlefinks more than anyone on the internet. Skates are cool, too.



Lasso the moon for me, baby?
October 4, 2007, 3:06 am
Filed under: death by cute, gadgetry, geek love, ha, haute, in the house, indolence, jewels, love, lust

I have a thing for crescent moons- I have one tattooed over my sternum.  Via Geekologie, a moon for your house.  It’s like, from Russia or something.  Huge, but if I had a big old converted barn I bet I could make it work.



Are you a slacker mom?

Does anyone else wanna smack someone when they see that?  If you’ve borne a child at any point in your life, it should be illegal to call you a slacker, ever.  But lots of mommies still love their vices, as evidenced by this cute kids’ tee.



And the hits just keep on coming.

Oh, dear. Vice Vixen needs a job! This was unexpected and while it couldn’t come at a worse time, when is it a good time to look for a job? Still, we all know I get my by any means on whenever there’s a drought, and I’ve already dusted off my resume and made some good connections. So…

Young professional;

Excellent writing skills;

Whip smart;

Able to solve problems creatively;

thoughtful and articulate;

works well on a team;

great phone skills;

takes direction well;

helpful;

sunny disposition;

hands on;

works well under pressure;

culturally diverse;

excellent customer service skills;

and professional appearance.

Available for interview immediately. Hiring?



Pretend to be a time traveler day!
September 22, 2007, 3:37 am
Filed under: cheap, cosplay, fetish, gadgetry, geek love, ha, pillaging, ravaging, retro

Via Snopes, the coolest fake holiday since International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Thanks, snopes!

Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day

You must spend the entire day in costume and character. The only rule is that you cannot actually tell anyone that you are a time traveler. Other than that, anything’s game.

There are three possible options:

1) Utopian/cliché Future – “If the Future did a documentary of the last fifty years, this is how badly the reenactors would dress.” Think Star Trek: TNG or the Time Travelers from Hob. Ever see how the society in Futurama sees the 20th century? Run with it. Your job is to dress with moderately anachronistic clothing and speak in slang from varying decades. Here are some good starters:

- Greet people by referring to things that don’t yet exist or haven’t existed for a long time. Example: “Have you penetrated the atmosphere lately?” “What spectrum will today’s broadcast be in?” and “Your king must be a kindly soul!”

- Show extreme ignorance in operating regular technology. Pay phones should be a complete mystery (try placing the receiver in odd places). Chuckle knowingly at cell phones.

2) Dystopian Future – This one offers a little more flexibility. It can be any kind of future from Terminator to Freejack. The important thing to remember is dress like a crazy person with armor. Black spray painted football pads, high tech visors, torn up trenchcoats and maybe even some dirt here or there. Remember, dystopian future travelers are very startled that they’ve gone back in time. Some starters:

- If you go the “prisoner who’s escaped the future” try shaving your head and putting a barcode on the back of your neck. Then stagger around and stare at the sky, as if you’ve never seen it before.

- Walk up to random people and say “WHAT YEAR IS THIS?” and when they tell you, get quiet and then say “Then there’s still time!” and run off.

- Stand in front of a statue (any statue, really), fall to your knees, and yell “NOOOOOOOOO”

- Stare at newspaper headlines and look astonished.

- Take some trinket with you (it can be anything really), hand it to some stranger, along with a phone number and say “In thirty years dial this number. You’ll know what to do after that.” Then slip away.

2) The Past – This one is more for beginners. Basically dress in period clothing (preferably Victorian era) and stagger around amazed at everything. Since the culture’s set in place already, you have more of a template to work off of. Some pointers:

- Airplanes are terrifying. Also, carry on conversations with televisions for a while.

- Discover and become obsessed with one trivial aspect of technology, like automatic grocery doors. Stay there for hours playing with it.

- Be generally terrified of people who are dressed immodestly compared to your era. Tattoos and shorts on women are especially scary.



Hands off, bitches!
August 24, 2007, 3:38 pm
Filed under: accessories, cheap, death by cute, geek love, ha, rage, shopping

Heh… these luggage tags made me smile, because I hate it when my stuff is on the carousel and someone touches it or looks at it.  Move on, that’s my bag! 



Oh, my God, I want one!
August 23, 2007, 5:26 am
Filed under: death by cute, ha, in the house, love

I am not a person who knows a lot about animals. I recently misidentified an albatross as a “fish”, I think dogs are too leapy and excited, and cats are like lethal sneezing poison to me.  I saw this future crazy cat lady on Confessions of a Matchmaker and she had something called a “sugar glider“- I had to look it up because I’ve never heard of them and they’re really frickin’ adorable.  I want one for Christmas!



This blog really should be a book.
August 14, 2007, 4:12 am
Filed under: entertainment, ha, indolence, rage, sanctimony, schadenfreude, shopping

Not my blog, this funny blog about working at Wal-Mart.  I can’t help it- I do go to Wal-Mart when the opportunity presents itself, and it is an evil, scary place.  The stories on the above link are hilarious and fascinating, and somehow exactly what you’d imagine working at a Wal-Mart returns desk would be like.



Cliffs notes condoms
August 7, 2007, 1:51 am
Filed under: accessories, boys, cheap, fetish, ha, indolence, love, lust, ravaging, sex, sin in general

Running low on inspiration?  Pick up some Kama Sutra condoms for a new angle each time.  Found this via the wonderfully named “Baller Goods.”  >giggle<



Postsecret

Me too, honey, me too.



Presents for a boy…
July 26, 2007, 3:23 am
Filed under: accessories, boys, cheap, geek love, ha, lust, rage, retro, sin in general, the good fight

Being a rather rough and tumble girl, I totally dug this cool shirt from Glarkware.  The in-your-faceness of the slogan is kinda offset by the neutral, retro graphics.



Geek sex is the hottest sex…
July 24, 2007, 12:38 am
Filed under: accessories, boys, cheap, fetish, geek love, ha, lust, retro, sex, sin in general

Some of my first sexual experiences were with a sullen, geeky, sci-fi boy.  That kinda stuff marks you, forever.  For a long time, the sound of glasses softly and surreptitiously being removed was like a Pavlovian sex-bell for me.  I still dig the sullen loner (ILU, Severus!  Always!) and it’s a given any boy-toy of mine will dig geek sex, too.  I thought this condom protector (even though it’s a matter of record I shun them) was adorable and the perfect way to impress a guy whose 12-sided-die you’ve just discovered pre-nookie.



Accessories for lazy people
July 12, 2007, 1:13 am
Filed under: accessories, ha, indolence, rage, sanctimony, vanity, wear

Because your iPhone alone just doesn’t convey your lemming-like drive to look cool, you need an overvalued, underdesigned, cliched Louis Vuitton holder for it. I hatehatehate the ubiquitous LV monogram. With the fury of a thousand suns. As if Louis Vuitton himself killed my lover. And this just takes two stupid overpriced hype machines and rolls them into one big, tacky, I have money and no taste spectacular. I will forever rock the hand-sewn phone protector my best friend made me (as soon as I find it in the debris of my room) because it’s much cooler than this stupid thing. Just trust me on this one, okay?



Seducing a nature boy…
July 11, 2007, 4:38 am
Filed under: accessories, fetish, ha, love, lust, pin-ups, pride, retro, sex, sin in general, wear

…with peacock pasties. I know guys eventually like it all off, but pasties are so underused in the bedroom. The one titty adornment that doesn’t require an oxygen-supply enemy of a brassiere, *and* if you get good enough you can make the tassels twirl. These gorgeous feathered ones are visually stunning and almost modest. (Well, they’re pasties!) And again, check the seller’s main page if the link dies.

Ah, ha. Ha ha ha… Sugartits.

pastry pasties



That spark
July 11, 2007, 4:21 am
Filed under: accessories, cheap, geek love, ha, love, lust, sex

Oh my God- I had to write it out- this nearly killed me with the cuteThis adorable and sweet print is cute, sweet, and spare enough to hang without being too fussy for your wall.  Again, due to the nature of Etsy, check the seller’s main page if the link expires.

fork and socket romance art print



Watch out! We run New York…
July 1, 2007, 2:32 am
Filed under: brooklyn, ha, i own it, love, nyc, pride, wear

Or, er, Brooklyn.  You ever see something on the street and it catches your eye and you wonder WTF the deal is, and then you keep seeing it and you have to hunt it down and wear it no matter what?  Yes?  No?  Am I the only one?  I’d seen this shirt a few times and then the final time I snapped and had to have it.  After some furious clicking, I learned that it is exclusive to Vinnie’s Styles on Flatbush Ave., and it’s only available in store.  Still and all, it was totally worth the walk.



How can you not see this?!
June 30, 2007, 4:51 am
Filed under: accessories, boys, cheap, ha, sex, wear

I was looking around the internets today- I would like a pair of shorts for skating, and since my skate name is Minerva McGonnabrawl, I would like to customize them with:

Avada Kedavra, Bitch!

But most customizable bottoms seem to be undies, which is kinda silly.  Anyway, I stumbled across this funny turn of phrase on CustomGlamGirl.com.  I know it’s supposed to be a riff on the Team Lachey and Team Aniston shirts that were popular for a mercifully brief time a few summers ago.  Although I suppose Team Lachey could carry the same connotations here, now that I’m thinking about it.  Anyway, come on… what do you think when you see these pants?

 



Instant Happy on YouTube
June 29, 2007, 1:58 am
Filed under: boys, entertainment, geek love, ha, love

Sometimes when I’m sad, I like to watch this clip of Turk dancing to Poison by Bell Biv Devoe on Scrubs. Not even in a he’s hot way, it’s just mesmerizing.  I don’t know why I’m telling you this.



Roll your own LOLcats!
June 27, 2007, 3:18 pm
Filed under: entertainment, geek love, ha, schadenfreude, sin in general

Luckily, the internets LOLeverything. Find LOLcats alternatives here. LOLCops! LOLHistory! LOLGeeks! One of my faves…



Next they’ll wanna drive cars and vote!
June 27, 2007, 2:53 pm
Filed under: ha, rage, schadenfreude, the good fight

Via my friends on the Snopes boards, this Disney rejection letter is an interesting reminder of still-fairly-recent institutional anti-woman policies.



hangs head in shame
June 22, 2007, 4:57 pm
Filed under: entertainment, geek love, ha, rage, schadenfreude, sex, sin in general

I really, really don’t take pleasure in the suffering of others.  Despite my sinful, naughty, very-bad-girl tendencies, I really don’t like seeing people physically or emotionally hurt.  It just sucks.  That said, I am completely friggin addicted to Cheaters on G4.  It’s like reality show crack.  The catfights, the smarmy hosts, the public drama, the food and condoms flying- I’m riveted from beginning to end.  Please tell me other people watch this dreck.



Stupid, stupid
June 20, 2007, 8:18 pm
Filed under: eat, ha, rage, schadenfreude

The blogosphere is abuzz today about Alli. Apparently, people are buying it in droves. Hey, I’m all for wanting to look good. But I can tell you unequivocally that soiling your pants is never sexy. Seriously, the instructions tell you to bring a change of clothes to work. If you buy this stuff, you’re an idiot. That is all.



Icky Thump! Icky Thump! Icky Thump!
June 14, 2007, 2:09 am
Filed under: accessories, boys, entertainment, geek love, ha

White Stripes-a-mobilia is so fetching, and it all matches. I’ve heard some snippets of Icky Thump, and it sounds absolutely awesome. These cute little Jack and Meg flash drives are a limited edition of 3,333 (because I’m your third man, girl) and have Icky Thump in its entirety in something apparently called Apple lossless format. If you get both, you can totally make them kiss.  (Thanks, Uncrate!)



The Riches on iTunes
June 13, 2007, 2:28 pm
Filed under: entertainment, ha, in the house

My Eddie Izzard will always be “Dress To Kill” Eddie. “Cake or death” Eddie. I was thrilled from the beginning to hear about the Riches coming out, and the first season just peed on my expectations. From a height. The rare kind of TV show that’s just as amazing as a good movie, consistently, so well written and acted by both Izzard and Minnie Driver that the deck-of-cards plot setup is only troubling in that you want them so badly to pull it off. It’s funny and sad and atmospheric and juicy, and I’ve never seen a boring episode. If you missed it the first time around, I highly recommend checking it out on iTunes.



Cowgirl Lighter
June 12, 2007, 2:33 am
Filed under: cheap, ha, rage, sin in general, smoking

Disposable Bics are so ugly and boring. I’m always on the lookout for something refillable and more aesthetically pleasing, but smoking supplies are persona non grata in the realm of accessories nowadays- thanks, anti-smoking fascists! I stumbled across this cute and naughty-girl lighter in one of my endless quests. Let’s face it, you’ll rarely be smoking anything in a situation where you have to look like Ms. (or Mr.) Nicey-Nice.



Naughty Nerdy Notes
June 12, 2007, 2:07 am
Filed under: cheap, geek love, ha, love, sex

Geeks can be so sexy. I’ve always liked the snarky, lonery type- they were always cuter and funnier than the more obvious jocky types. These adorable, retro-ish notecards seem perfect for secret lovenotes with some sciencey type. Labtable!sex, rock!



You might mistake me for a player or pimp…
June 9, 2007, 10:05 pm
Filed under: cheap, geek love, ha, wear

… been hit with a few shells, but I don’t walk with a limp.

I must have laughed for fifteen frickin’ minutes when I saw this shirt.  The thuggy reference and the silly font and images are just so damn cute.



God, there has gotta be a portmanteau in here *somewhere*!
June 7, 2007, 1:29 am
Filed under: brooklyn, geek love, ha, sin in general

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve got a soft spot for two musicians- Jay-Z (Brooklyn, stand up!) and Jack White. I was so excited to find this mash-up. And, like anything mixed with Jay-Zeezy, it works!

Via MyNinjaPlease.

Encore v. Doorbell



Oh, the funny.
May 31, 2007, 10:42 pm
Filed under: geek love, ha, rage, schadenfreude

This made me laugh way more than necessary.  To the left is the note, to the right is the response.  Courtesy passive-aggressive notes from roommates, neighbors, coworkers and strangers.



I bought the Hedonism Handbook, but I was too busy getting drunk and sleeping to read it.
May 30, 2007, 2:15 am
Filed under: ha, sin in general

I have to confess, I don’t actually own this book. But I love the concept of a handbook on hedonism. I can’t think of a subject more worthy of study.



Gacked from XKCD
May 27, 2007, 7:02 pm
Filed under: geek love, ha, love

I love Geek Love. Found this comic and couldn’t resist sharing because it’s exactly the kind of dorky internet love bollocksology I’d come out with…



Fuck with your co-workers!
May 27, 2007, 2:20 am
Filed under: cheap, geek love, ha

Scary stapler will eat you!




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